“I have some requests before I go to see what is left of it,” I ask, trying to keep my composure for a little longer. “I want to do this alone. Now here me out,” I glance as Crystalis goes to protest, “I may not remember who was in this town or anything about it, but it is still my hometown. It…I need to take it in alone. Not just because these were my people but because I want to react naturally, with no external force. I need to know how I feel…without the memories.” Everyone falls quiet, processing what I just said.
“Crystlais,” Crystalis perks up as I say her name, “I need a day. Afterward, you can come and find me, but until then, can you wait?”
“But…,” Crystalis starts, tears forming in her eyes, “I want to be there to soothe you. I do not want you to be in pain.” Crystalis stares at the ground. “But I understand. And it would be cruel of me to take-” Crystalis pauses, reformulating her words. “You have already lost so much, and I do not want my actions to add to it.” I brush my paw over hers. She slips her claws between mine, holding me for a moment. She squeezes my paw, then slowly releases it.
“I’m sor-” I begin, but Crystalis suddenly pulls me into a hug.
“I do not want to let you go. I want to hold on till you drag me with you. I want to be there if you need me.” Crystalis whispers, gripping onto me.
“I don’t need you,” I say, pushing her away as I start to lose my composure. “What I need are my parents! What I need is my brother! What I need is my sister! What I need is all of those I knew to still be here with me,” I screech, digging my claws into the ground. “I…I’m sorry. I shouldn't have said that.” I relax my claws, stepping toward Crystlais. “What I need…What I want…are the memories of them so I can grieve them, so I can mourn them for who they were,” I rub my paw against Crystalis’s cheek. I stare into her eyes, a look of betrayal, no sorrow. Empathic sorrow. Tears start to blur my vision.
“I just…I need to do this alone.” I look down, slowly letting go of Crystalis. “I want to prove to myself that I am Sylvia Levesa Velum…the same Sylvia Levesa Velum who lost everything she had here.”
“But you cannot. You cannot be someone who you no longer are.” Crystalis says, moving her head against mine.
“Then what should I do?”
“Be you as you are now, not as you were then. You are enough, you have always been enough, and you will always be enough.” We stand there in a quiet embrace, tears streaming down my snout. “I cannot understand how you are feeling, but I understand that you are in pain. A type of pain that hurts deeply but it is purposeful. It is a loving pain for what is no longer here.” We stand there together, letting my emotions take their course. Eventually, I regain my composure.
“Thanks for…everything. I’m sorry-” Crystalis cuts me off.
“No. I am sorry. I stole a moment for myself. It is a moment where I put my own feelings above yours, despite knowing very well that it could hurt you. And you are right; you do not need me right now. Right now, you need closure.” All I can do is nod. “Okay, then go and find your closure.”
